Honesty
by Clementine17
Summary: Casey is fine with her choices.


If she's completely honest with herself (which she never is, so there's really no point in thinking this), she never stopped loving Cappie. No, wait, that doesn't sound right. She doesn't love him now because she is with Evan and Evan is perfect and everything she wants in a boyfriend. She just never fell out of love with Cappie before she broke up with him. She fell out of love afterwards (she glosses over that it took her over six months and three random guys to do this). This is not how it is done. The steps are 1) meet the guy 2) fall in love 3) fall out of love 4) break up. She got 3 and 4 mixed up with a little help from her sisters at Zeta Beta. This is the only reason she keeps having those dreams and sometimes gets lost in memories of him in the middle of class. Because she did fall out of love with him, didn't she?

-

She met him getting coffee (which is such a cliché beginning to a college romance, she thinks bitterly). It was her third day at Cyprus Rhodes and she didn't know anyone and her roommate had just informed her that under no circumstances would they ever be friends because her two best friends from school were at the college and she didn't need anyone else. She had ordered a large vanilla latte and was just about to pay for it when her wallet dropped and all the change went flying out. Apologizing and scrambling to pick it up she whipped her head up and hit him right in the nose as he was bending down to help her. Cappie had jumped back, holding his nose while she desperately attempted to make words come out of her mouth. Instead the result had been a gargled "sorry" as tears threatened to pour over her face. It was her third day of college, she hadn't been able to make one friend (and she had never, ever been without friends), and now she had just slammed into the nose of a cute boy who had attempted to help her. Any sane boy would have run away, but he was Cappie and no one had ever or would ever apply the adjective sane to him. He picked up the coffee, paid for it, and led her over to a table. She sat down, brushed her eyes with a napkin, and finally allowed the phrase "I'm sorry" to come out of her mouth in perfect English. He just smiled and asked, "For what?"

-

She didn't meet Evan until her and Cappie's fifth date. Cappie had told her his roommate was the son of some hotshot and he had been off with "daddy's friends" for the last couple weeks, but he still seemed like a cool guy. To be honest she remembers shaking Evan's hand and nothing else about him. When he asked if she remembered their first meeting she lied and said she had thought he was "very cute". She had racked her brain for hours after that trying to remember what she actually had thought of him in that moment, but she just can't remember. However, she does remember that that was the night Cappie told her he was afraid of clowns and that he preferred thunderstorms to sunny days.

-

He told her he loved her first. It was raining and they were sitting on the porch of the Kappa Tau house wrapped in a blanket. She was falling asleep, it was one of those lazy afternoons where nothing was going to get done and everyone was at the bar or the library. He had pulled her closer to him just before he whispered it, allowing his hand to slowly work its way through her hair. The words seemed to float through the air and when she opened her eyes she could almost see them disappear, like wisps of smoke. She had smiled and looked at him and she distinctly remembers that he looked scared at that moment. "I love you too," she said and his entire face relaxed and he hugged her closer to him and kissed her. It was perfect and it scares her to think back on it because even now she has never had a more romantic moment and she doesn't want to.

-

Their first fight was long and angry. She had long ago gotten used to other girls flirting with him, but he had never once flirted back. That was why when she walked into the bar to find him talking very closely to some brunette she had been shocked. She had attempted to brush it off, but then she was introduced to one of his many high school girlfriends who had driven there from Boston where she went to school. She had just happened to pass through Cyprus Rhodes on her way to some event. Casey doesn't remember much after finding out that they had dated. She then had to sit through an hour of Cappie and Lana catching up and reliving high school memories. When they got back to his dorm the fight began. She still isn't sure how it exactly started; all she knows is that two hours later they had both screamed themselves hoarse. They didn't speak for a day and when they spoke again it just sparked another argument. She had never screamed or fought that much with anyone before, but she never once considered breaking up with him during that fight. They made up two days after that and laughed about it for weeks after. Cappie had sworn that he was completely hers and she had conceded that she got a little jealous sometimes. Evan once pointed out that they never fought like that, she said this was a sign of how healthy their relationship was. They both knew that this was a lie, but by that time being passive aggressive had become second nature.

-

She hadn't known that the sorority had a problem with him. She knew that it wasn't normal for a Zeta Beta girl to date a Kappa Tau boy, but she didn't like to think of herself as traditional (at least she didn't then). She had long ago gotten used to the comments about him, but had always thought they were jokes. It wasn't until she was brought into one of the meetings that she realized they weren't kidding. They had been hoping she would get the hint, but apparently she was too "lovesick" (their word) to see her own horrible mistake. They had thought that she would agree right away, just concede and get on with it. She didn't.

-

She almost left the sorority. She had been so angry and so horrified over what they were asking that she almost left. The meeting had gone horribly. She refused to break up with him and walked out. It was the first time she had ever truly cried herself to sleep and when she woke up the next morning she felt sick and disgusting. She showered and changed and went to see Cappie. He was at the house and he was hung over. He could barely even move and just scooted over to make room for her in the bed. She didn't get into it, but gave him a kiss on the head and asked that he didn't drink so much. She still remembers him laughing as she left the room. She sat on a bench for three hours thinking about her relationship and finally came to this conclusion: she loved him. That was what mattered and her sisters had to see that. Maybe they wouldn't last forever, but right now she was in love with him. She told them this in a clam and strong voice that night. That was when they told her she had to choose.

-

She always knew she would choose the sorority. Looking back on it, there was no question. She had found friends and a place there. Being a Zeta Beta would help her forever. Cappie was temporary. No one dates someone for four years in college. They would eventually fade and break up. She told herself this over and over again, but still wasn't convinced when she told him it was over. He took it well, at least he didn't yell or throw anything. He just sort of fell onto his bed and looked at her in confusion. "What did I do Casey?" he asked in a voice that she can still hear in her dreams. It was the only time she had ever heard Cappie sound pathetic. She told him "nothing" and that she just "needed to be alone right now". He nodded and attempted to say something, but nothing came out. "I'm just going to go then," she said and walked out. As she was closing the door she heard him say "Casey," in a way that truly broke her heart, but she slammed the door because she was fine with her choice. She is fine with her choice.

-

She didn't let herself cry over him. She had the sorority now and she could focus all of her attention on that. If she had to give up Cappie for them, then she would make sure that she was one of the most important members of it. It wasn't until three weeks later when she saw him kissing some red head that she broke down into tears right outside Dobbler's. Ashleigh bought her rocky road ice cream later that night and just nodded when Casey told her that her dog at home had died. She never once said anything, just held Casey's hand while she babbled on about how the loss of "Benny" was heartbreaking.

-

It's now been over a year since they dated and she is over him. Evan is everything she wants in a boyfriend and she can really see having a future with him. Except that since she slept with Cappie she realizes that she did it backwards. Why the hell couldn't she have just taken a few days to at least think about all the things she didn't like about him before breaking up with him. Instead she had just rushed it because she was so scared about losing Zeta Beta. He was her first actual love and she knows that that is a big deal and maybe she isn't ever supposed to get over it, but isn't it meant to be a little bit easier? It isn't even that he keeps popping up; she could never see him and he would still be _there_. But that isn't the actual problem. The problem is that even when he's there, even when he keeps showing up, she misses him. She misses him to the point that she sometimes feels sick. She just wants to stop these feeling, because if she would just take a moment and think about them she would realize that she never fell out of love with him. But she won't do that, because Casey Cartwright knows what she should be thinking about and how she actually feels, especially when it has to do with Cappie, is not one of those things. She is fine with her choices. This is what she whispers to herself anytime she begins to miss him. She is fine with her choices and she doesn't need to stop and wonder how she really feels. She is fine with her choices.


End file.
